Thursday, September 26, 2002


Well, it seems like it had to happen anyway. It seems like full happiness can't last forever, right? Something has to happen... in a way to put some tests, some chalenges before us. So, it looks like my time to be tested came, finally.

There are some "not nice" events happening to me this week. Huh! And I thought those little events on the beginning of my week (Monday) would be the most "deadly" things I would face this week. Damn I was wrong! I was so wrong.

Like Murphy's laws dictate: "When you think you've gone through the worse... wait on, there is always something worse to happen!" (well, something along those lines)

I just hate feeling like this. I don't like to see the fear and sadness come to my very heart and spirit, but they came. I am the one who is always ready to cheer people up. The one ready to say something that will make them laugh (silly things, most of the time). But not today, not this week I guess.

Do you know when everything seems to push you down? When every little thing around you feels like they were put there, they are happening, at that very moment only to make you feel worse, or, at least, to make you feel the moment more intensely.

Yeah, that has been happening to me the whole fucking day! :( My cousing turned the radio on... there were some really beautiful music playing, however I felt a great deal of sadness hearing them.

Then... we were home (right after lunch) and as I had nothing better to do than just laying on the sofa... I turned the TV on. Selected the Sonny Entertainment Television channel... and there it was: Mad About You (I don't the name of this series in Portuguese, sorry). A very nice and funny series, with Helen Hunt and Paul Reiser. However... today's episode was like this: (first of all... they are married, she is blonde, his is brunet. See the pattern here? DAMN!) They were walking around the city, then went to see the News Stand (I think this is the "expression/name" they used for our "Banca de Jornal") where they met for the first time. However, for their amazement and sadness, the stand was burned down. I kind of lost the track here but... I think this was the begining of the whole problem. They began to feel like they lost their connection, the very reason why they first met.

So... this event led them to something like a paralel reality, where they have never met. The appartment where they used to live was now owned by someone else, things like that. Then they split... and began forget about each other. The sadness they were feeling, after they were appart.... Damn! That feeling caught me. I know it will sound very silly but, I felt a bond between me and them. You know... when everything that happens around you seems to be related to what is happening in your life. I began feeling even sadder, going down at each second... and worse! I couldn't change the channel. I was locked on it. My mind wasn't willing to get rid of that :(

Things went out of control. I feel a shadow growing in my mind, my heart and my spirit. Somehow I have to find the right weapon and the strength to fight it, defeat it. To be honest, I am feeling lonely.

I feel like an old and lone Samurai, in the midst of a desert, facing dozens of enemies. Most of them are Ninjas, enemies who attack from the dark, from the shadows. They hide deep in the shadows and try to attack unnoticed. Those, of course, are the worst enemies. And the worst is that they are hitting me. Their strikes, blows and slashes are getting their target. They are indeed hurting me. And to make things even uglier... I feel like that old Samurai... weaponless! Where is my Katana? Where is my sword?

I am feeling weak, not able to fight them back! However, I have to find the strength to face this bastards. I have to get my mind clean! I have to become ONE, once again. Then I am sure I will be able to find my weapon again. The weapon which will put them on the run. The very Katana which will make them flee or die.

I fell on their games. Damn! I made the very mistakes I couldn't afford. Now I am paying the price for being so naive.

I will survive the battle. I just don't know if I will win it. I will survive, hurt or not, and will have learnt this lesson, once and for all: Pay attention to your enemy's moves. But never follow them. Pay attention, watch them! When the right time comes, you defeat it in your own fashion, under your own rules and tactics, not his.

I should have learnt that before, but EMOTION put a curtain before my eyes, making me blind. Just like the Jedi code says:

"There is no Emotion, there is Peace
There is no Ignorance, there is Knowledge
There is no Passion, there is Serenity
There is no Death, there is the Force"

I have to go back to my roots, search back then the old me, the one who went to the Force Academy for the first time. That was a real warrior. Not this mere "shadow of me" I see now.

Hmmmm that's it! I have to go back to the beginning! Thoughts, actions, meditations... they are all there! On my past!

Yeah! That will be my salvation! Meditation is always good to help clearing the mind and spirit. Even better, it helps to make them stronger. That's exactly what I am going to do as soon as I get home, before dining.

Then, after feeling better, a session of Starfighter to help shapening the mind ahd thoghts.

OK, Suckers, Enemies and Shadows! Today the old Kenjiro begins his way back to oneness. Get ready for rumble! My old, and some new, techniques will be drawn!

May the Force shine and enlighten the path of those reading this!

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